


(haven't) had enough

by rarmaster



Series: haven't had enough [1]
Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Gen, Time Loop, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:58:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rarmaster/pseuds/rarmaster
Summary: He's done this a hundred times, now. He's exhausted. But until he finds the right answers, he has to keep going, as many times as Origin will let him--





	(haven't) had enough

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what possessed me to write a timeloop fic but oh god tosses these 2500 words at you i guess

Lloyd isn’t thinking about it, really. It’s hard to—they’re all exhausted after fighting the guardian of the Fire Seal, and they’re cutting through monsters on the way back out of the Temple, and Genis gets tossed across the room and Lloyd, fed up, executes Demonic Circle to take out the monster and all of its friends.

It isn’t until he’s finished with it that he remembers _just how much mana_ that takes and that his body _isn’t used to producing that much_ quite yet. He staggers, the over-expenditure exhausting him immediately. He hears shouts of awe turn to cries of worry as the world swims, hears Kratos’ heavy footfalls before he hits the ground.

( _He wonders if watching him use up nearly all of his bodily mana and kill himself hurts Kratos as much as watching Kratos do the same hurt him, each and every time he had to watch it._ )

“Lloyd!” comes Kratos’ voice, panicked, hands on his shoulder, under his head.

“It’s fine, Dad,” Lloyd mumbles, also without thinking about it. “I just got a little—”

All thought and sensation stops.

 

 

When Lloyd comes to, he’s in a bed in Triet’s Inn. Kratos is sitting in the chair beside the bed, watching-but-not-watching-except- _definitely_ -watching him, which Lloyd is used to seeing from Kratos. Every loop is another journey in watching Kratos slowly allow himself to express the things he’s bottling up. Lloyd wishes he wouldn’t bottle them up to begin with, but—he knows the truth, about everything, and knows Kratos well enough by now to know why he’s avoiding it.

( _Lloyd wouldn’t make the same decisions, but he understands, at least. That Kratos doesn’t want to get close to the thing he’s going to have to forsake._ )

“I know, I know, that was reckless,” Lloyd says, to start the conversation. Kratos does a very good job at pretending he’s surprised Lloyd is awake. ( _Lloyd also knows Kratos well enough to know about Kratos’ enhanced senses—the pattern of Lloyd’s breathing would have alerted Kratos to his consciousness well before anything else Lloyd did._ )

Kratos hesitates a moment, perhaps partly because Lloyd is still laying on his back with his eyes fixed on the ceiling, but he’s- he’s _tired_. There’s a lot of times to rest, on this journey—he knows, he’s done it probably a hundred times now—( _okay, not a hundred, but it FEELS like it_ )—but the whole thing feels nonstop nonstop nonstop as he searches for answers, constantly thinking about what he still could try, to fix things…

“You could have died,” Kratos says, sharp with that anger no mercenary only tied to them by a paycheck should be feeling. The sound of it makes Lloyd fond, because, his dad’s just worried about him. ( _The best part, undoubtedly, about doing this over again, is getting to travel with Kratos again. It’s something Lloyd finds himself looking forward to—clinging to—each time he gets to the end without enough of the answers to fix everything_.)

“I know,” Lloyd says. Maybe he should shut up and let Kratos yell at him. It’s the closest he’s going to get to an _I love you_ this early on.

( _It’s nice, traveling with Kratos, but it’s hard, because Kratos at the start is always so guarded_.)

“I understand you were worried about your friend, but expending that much of your mana—where did you even _learn_ to do that?” Kratos demands. He’s sitting rigid with his hands on his knees but his voice tells plenty of emotion that his posture does not. Lloyd soaks up the undertones of worry.

“Dunno,” he says, which like, is kind of true? He just kind of _figured it out_ the first time. “Just felt… right.” That’s more of a lie. “Wasn’t thinking about it.” That’s 100% true.

Kratos sighs. The _what am I going to do with you_ and _I can’t do anything because I won’t allow myself to get close_ kind of sigh. Lloyd’s unfortunately used to this sigh.

“Sorry,” Lloyd says.

He does feel bad, for worrying Kratos, and everyone else. He also feels like an idiot, because he _knows_ his body resets even if his mind doesn’t, when he goes back in time to the start of this journey. How did he _forget_?

“I’m just glad you are unharmed,” Kratos says, carefully. Yeah, definitely not words any old mercenary would say. Lloyd has to stifle fond laughter. Kratos is _so bad_ at this, he only got by because none of them knew to look for it.

“Is Genis alright?” Lloyd asks. “And Colette, she’s- she’s recovered by now, right?”

Kratos is silent for a moment longer than the question should warrant. “Genis is fine,” he answers, slowly. There’s still that carefulness to his tone. “The Chosen is, as well, but… Why were you worried about her? The transformation is taking its toll on her, yes, but you fell unconscious before she did—”

“Oh,” Lloyd says. Embarrassment bubbles up in his chest. He doesn’t know how to answer that and exhaustion is pulling at his brain again, anyway. Maybe he spent more mana that he thought. Or maybe he just could use a break from this timeloop business. _Ugh,_ maybe this time he should ask Origin for some time, to relax, before he dove back into it. Could he do that?

 _Ugh,_ Origin was so far away.

( _And he should probably be thinking that this would be the last loop, that he wouldn’t need another one, but it was hard to think like that. There had been so many failures. Little things going wrong that shouldn’t have. Ripples caused by his actions creating unpredictable outcomes. Finding the balance of changing just enough but not too much, while also trying to save everyone—_ )

Lloyd’s so tired.

“You should rest,” Kratos tells him, firm. The Dad Voice. It makes Lloyd smile.

“Sure thing, Dad,” he mumbles, too exhausted to have a filter.

Kratos makes a sound close to choking, and Lloyd’s eyes snap open again, as he realizes what he said. _Again._ That was the second time today! He _must_ be exhausted, if he’s slipping up this bad.

Maybe he shouldn’t tell Kratos he knows, but he’s already all-but done that, and it’s not like he hasn’t this early in a loop before. ( _Besides, he wants his father’s support, craves it, and it’s difficult when one of them is pretending like they aren’t—_ )

Lloyd waits a moment, but it’s clear Kratos is going to continue pretending that didn’t happen before long. Lloyd scowls.

“Did I say something?” Lloyd asks, because apparently he has to do all the leg-work here.

“No.”

Lloyd groans. Why is Kratos so predictable.

“Aw, fuck, I called you ‘Dad’, huh?” Lloyd says, rubbing at his head like he’s embarrassed, acting like he’s surprised he’s done this.

Kratos says nothing. Lloyd props himself up a little to watch him, and he waits, but no. Kratos isn’t going to say anything. If he’s turned off his hearing, Lloyd’s going to hit him. Both out of necessity and frustration.

“It’s… true though, isn’t it?” Lloyd presses, cautiously. “That… you are?”

Kratos turns to him, slowly, eyes narrowed like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. A look Lloyd is familiar with—both in this conversation, and when he’s slipped and said too much about something he should have no rights knowing if he wasn’t time-traveling. Lloyd lets out a small sigh of relief, grateful that Kratos _hadn’t_ turned off his hearing.

“I… what makes you say that?” Kratos says. His voice has gone quiet, the surprise stealing any volume from him. He’s not breathing, either, which Lloyd only knows because he taught himself to look for it.

“It’s…” Lloyd begins, trying to decide which excuse to use this time. “I remember you,” is what he goes with. (Not a lie.) “It was a little blurry up ‘til now, but I’m positive. My dad’s voice, your voice… They’re the same.” Kratos looks like he’s going to try and run, still, so Lloyd plows on with: “Plus, Noishe seems to like you a lot, which is weird ‘cuz he hates strangers. So… you must not be a stranger, to him. Right?”

Kratos hesitates, a long moment. He remembers, at least, to pretend he needs to breathe.

“I… Yes, it’s true,” Kratos says. He won’t look directly at Lloyd, but that’s… expected, even if it makes Lloyd sad. “Forgive me for not… saying anything. I only…”

He doesn’t finish. Lloyd doesn’t need him to.

“I understand,” Lloyd says, and he does. He’s already heard Kratos’ reason—the _real_ reason—for not telling him to begin with. He doesn’t need to hear a fake one.

Kratos doesn’t say anything more. The silence that stretches is kind of unbearable, and Lloyd wants to break it, wants to hug Kratos but he’s too tired and that’s probably too much right now, anyway. But mostly he’s tired. He’s so fucking tired. Lloyd flops back onto the pillows, unable to keep his eyes open any longer.

“You should rest,” Kratos says again.

“Yeah, I will,” Lloyd answers. He wishes he could rest more than a nap, though. Why is there still so much to do?

Before he conks out entirely, he reaches out a hand towards Kratos. A silent declaration of want. He’ll understand if Kratos denies him, but he aches for the contact anyway. And to his delight, Kratos’ hand finds his, squeezing it tightly. Lloyd squeezes back and lets the world fade away.

 

 

Even in his dreams, Lloyd cannot escape the list of things he still needs to get done.

The fact Origin hasn’t taunted him for biting off more he can chew, or angrily demanded why he can’t take what he was given and be satisfied with it is surprising, honestly. Lloyd feels selfish, reaching for more more more, but he’s certain there’s an answer he just hasn’t found yet, a way to save everyone.

He has to trust Zelos, make Zelos _believe_ he trusts him, while also not distancing Kratos entirely, because even if he asks Kratos to stay at the end Kratos still says no half the time. It’s been hard to balance that, and it’s awful when he thinks it was fine except Kratos still leaves— _why does Kratos always leave?_

And then there’s Mithos. He doesn’t have to save Mithos. But.

He’s tired of watching Genis’ face, when Mithos dies. He’s tired of seeing the exhaustion and sorrow on Kratos’ shoulders. He’s tired of feeling the pain in his own chest, because he thinks—he thinks, if he can just…

He isn’t sure.

There’s something he’s missing.

But he wants to save Mithos, too. He wants to try.

He’s going to try, as long as Origin will let him.

 

 

When Lloyd wakes up again, it’s just him and Kratos, still. He wakes up to the sensation of Kratos brushing hair out of his face, a touch he eagerly leans into, though Kratos retracts it the moment he realizes Lloyd is awake. Predictable. Lloyd sighs. He still feels exhausted.

“Did you sleep well?” Kratos asks.

“Yeah,” Lloyd answers. Maybe it’s a lie? It’s about as well as he can expect, considering the circumstances.

“You were… very restless,” Kratos says. Worry is thick in his tone. Worry and… something else. Lloyd’s too exhausted to pick it apart.

“Worried about the journey ahead,” Lloyd says. Not a lie.

“I can imagine…”

There’s a kind of weight in Kratos’ voice that makes Lloyd anxious, because—Lloyd sits up to confirm it, and feels his heart drop into his stomach. Oh boy. Oh great. Kratos has that look in his eyes that Lloyd has only seen twice before. It means Kratos knows something, Lloyd has let something slip, Kratos has questions and won’t be satisfied until he’s squeezed all of the truth out of Lloyd.

“Um, is… something up?” Lloyd asks. Best to get it over with. Kratos is awful at starting conversations unless he’s prompted so…

Kratos still hesitates a long moment before he answers.

“You were… talking in your sleep,” Kratos whispers.

Oh, fuck.

“What did I, uh, say?”

Kratos hesitates before answering this question, too. Finally he fixes Lloyd with that piercing, unsatisfied gaze, and says:

“Origin sent you back in time.”

It’s not a question. It is a question. It makes Lloyd’s chest squeeze.

“Yes,” Lloyd says. And then, because Kratos is going to want to know everything—he is a worried parent and a man with intense, intimate understanding of the universe’s workings, knowing his son has been meddling with time could never leave him anything but unsatisfied—Lloyd sighs and adds. “This isn’t the first time. I have to keep doing it.”

“Things keep going wrong,” Kratos says. Also not really a question.

“Sort of, yeah.” It’s more than that. It’s less than that. He’s just selfish, wants more than he can probably get. Lloyd feels exhausted just thinking about it all over again. If he wasn’t trapped by Kratos’ gaze, he’d flop back over and go right back to sleep.

But… Kratos is taking this well, actu— _wait_.

Lloyd leans forward, hands braced on the edge of the bed on either side of him so he won’t lose his balance. He squints at Kratos.

“You’re taking this _really_ well,” Lloyd says. Suspiciously well.

Kratos quirks his eyebrows, looking a little amused. “You explained a lot of it in your sleep.”

Lloyd flushes with embarrassment. Well. Okay. Alright then.

“Besides, I can sense Origin on you, now that I’m looking,” Kratos continues. “So I do not doubt the credibility of your story. Though I assume… this means you know everything, doesn’t it?”

He does not need to say what he means by _everything_. Lloyd knows.

Lloyd nods.

Kratos winces, a tiny bit.

“And you…” he begins, but can’t find the words to finish.

“It’s fine,” Lloyd laughs. “I’m not mad at you, for what you have to do. If I could change your mind about it, that’d be great, but—look Kratos, honestly. I want to ask your help. It’s Mithos—”

“I know,” Kratos says, getting to his feet.

Lloyd looks up at him, confused, a little worried. Kratos… doesn’t trust him yet, he realizes, going cold. Why would Kratos help him? He’s Kratos’ son, yes, but he’s also a boy who’s meddling too much in Mithos’ plans, and will Kratos stand for that? Will Kratos—

Kratos surprises Lloyd by sitting down on the bed next to him. Lloyd starts to voice his confusion, but then Kratos is tugging on him, gently but forcefully, until Lloyd’s head is in Kratos’ lap and Kratos is running fingers through Lloyd’s hair. Lloyd squints into the distance, trying to process, but then he feels the gentle pull of magic settling into his veins. A sleep spell? Since when did Kratos know…

“What you need to do right now, is rest,” Kratos tells Lloyd. “There will be time later to discuss things.”

A part of Lloyd wants to protest, but Kratos’ spell is doing its work, and Lloyd was already exhausted. He settles into the comfort of his father’s touch and lets his eyes close.

 

 

This time, when he sleeps, it’s dreamless.


End file.
